‘The Kardashians’ Premiere Was All About Khloé’s Baby Drama

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After what felt like a millisecond from the sky, The Kardashians is officially back on Hulu, with more quasi-spiritual bromides, sleek fashion, and baby-daddy drama to fuel us for the rest of the year.

The second season of the Kardashians’ eponymous Hulu docu-series premiered today with an unusually bleak episode centered on the news that Khloé’s serial cheater ex-boyfriend Tristan Thompson had impregnated another woman while they were planning to have a to have a second baby through a surrogate. We spend most of the hour watching the third-oldest sister in some deep funk as her family tries to support her with the most galaxy-brained advice and throws the world’s most depressing baby shower. We also see Kris Jenner crying on a soap opera.

Hopefully this is as dark as the season gets (although we can assume plenty of Kanye drama is ahead). For now, we’ve tried to break down the most ridiculous and Kardashian-esque moments under the tragedy that is Khloé and Tristan’s relationship.

It turns out that this family is extremely shaky, even in the midst of a crisis.

kyndall: Well, that was a super fun, light-hearted premiere! Just the kind of fluff we’ve come to expect from our favorite TV family!

Coleman: I assume you’re being heavily sarcastic, because that was a thump.

kyndall: Naturally. This was arguably the most depressing hour of television I’ve seen in a long time.

Coleman: I honestly don’t think I’ve had any less fun watching this family since the episode of Keep up where Kim spoke about the Paris robbery. I’ve missed these girls so much since last season ended two days ago, so I sat down on my couch with a literal bowl of popcorn. It was not eaten.

kyndall: On the contrary, it made me want to eat stress. LOL. But let’s get into the Tristan Thompson of it all! In the Season 1 finale, we saw Kim break the news of his paternity suit to Khloé over the phone. And then we saw Kim take her off the speaker and say, “Oh my god.” We knew then that Khloé and Tristan had hired a surrogate mother for their second child. But in this episode, we find out that Khloé had an embryo transfer a few days before the news of Tristan’s not-so-secret child. Are we scared at all??

Coleman: I will say, I was shocked. Which in itself was shocking. It’s amazing how this family still manages to surprise me after what feels like half a century. I knew the moment we started with a shot of Khloé on bleak stock music that we were about to receive something unexpected. And then, of course, it took me five minutes of whiteboard math to calculate the timeline between last season’s shooting and this season’s.

What did you think of Khloé’s conversation with Kylie? Kylie told her, “I feel like… [this baby] is meant to be here with us because there’s just no other way you guys decided to do an embryo transfer just days before the news came out.” What, there’s a way. It’s called Tristan not is pathological and lies to the mother of his baby.

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kyndall: LMAO. I shouted. Sorry. What? Historically, these women have had a hard time expressing how shitty Tristan is, because they all have the “we need to protect the father” mentality, as if all of his horrible behavior isn’t well documented.

I’m also tired of seeing Khloé get the most bland, useless advice from her family and not from some fucking therapist! She may have seen one. But I feel like we would have at least heard about it. You have access to the best healthcare in the country! Stop seeking advice from your 20-year-old sister speaking in Instagram captions!

Coleman: This is the most “everything happens for a reason” donkey family to ever walk the planet, and they’ve always been mysteriously therapy averse, which makes no sense. And speaking of Kylie, did you notice that we saw more of her in the first ten minutes than we did in the entire first season? It seems that the tragedy of Astroworld is far enough in her rear view. So far, in fact, Khloé feels qualified to seek her advice on an important other matter.

kyndall: Oh my god, yes. Her presence is so uncomfortable, besides being just an awkward human being with few signs of life. I doubt they’ll dig into the Astroworld stuff at all. And I don’t know if I want to.

Coleman: Which I think is “fine” because instead we see Kylie and Kris greeting each other at one of their famous family gatherings by rubbing noses and staring into each other’s eyes. Kris was For real does the work this episode and live out her best soap opera fantasy. She remains one of our foremost playwrights, able to pull from anywhere she needs for the scene.

kyndall: She has squeezed so many tears this ep! Good for her. But it’s interesting because I also feel like Kris and the sisters made possible so much of Khloé’s current situation — not Tristan’s actions per se. He is a grown man who makes his own decisions. But it goes back to what I said about how they coddled the men in their lives as long as they had children out of them. We’ve never seen any of them try to talk Khloé out of this mindset that she needs to stay with him for True.

Coleman: Kim came a little close in last season’s finale when she said “If this isn’t the biggest sign of not having another kid with him…” but by then it was year too late. The dynasty needs new blood. And Kris Jenner will do anything to get it out of them. In a way we have to respect that! Is it teaching her grown daughters healthy lessons that will benefit them when she’s gone? No. Will she continue to cash in on 10 percent of them and any business opportunities her grandchildren bring in? Well, that’s just business.

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kyndall: How do we feel about Kim telling Khloé to leave Tristan in the delivery room?

Coleman: First of all, that time jump was shocking and I’m still not sure why it was implemented. We skipped from Khloé’s late winter/early spring baby shower to the July delivery I think to wrap up the bottle episode and continue with other stuff for the rest of the season.

But I thought Tristan’s presence in the delivery room was complicated. I can both understand why she would want him there and why not, but it certainly doesn’t help that Khloé’s decisions are so influenced by her family, as we keep saying. Let her create her own healthy boundaries! Or do you disagree?

kyndall: I had mixed feelings. I mean it is his child. And if he’s going to be in the child’s life, he might as well be at the birth. I just thought it was funny when Kim said something along the lines of “you want to be able to tell your son he was there” like the kid would give a fuck knowing he’s done all that horrible shit. But I kind of get it. Was there anything else that happened in this EP that you didn’t find quite heartbreaking?

Coleman: Only a few, unfortunately. I loved seeing Kris’ fridge full of Dom Perignon, it was nice to see that her luscious tendencies have not gone out of the way. She even had Gaga’s special edition! I also loved Khloé’s makeup at her baby shower, because it looked like someone had put blush and mascara on a McDonald’s hamburger bun. Just rummage on a smooth monochromatic bread surface. She looked great for all her endless suffering!

I will also say please stop letting me watch the birth of babies. It’s shocking enough as it is to watch a nurse tumble a baby out of someone by the umbilical cord as if they were rolling out a yo-yo for the first time. And it’s even more shocking to see them pulled from the womb of an anonymous stranger. I could have done without it! And you, Kyndall? Are there any crumbs you can pull out of this tragedy?

kyndall: We have a lot of good Kris content. She slowly turns into Liza Minnelli, in her mid-sixties. And her boxy, red blazer and thin bangs in her condo scene certainly gave it that! I also like a Kris shopping scene because she has to pick up every item and show it like she’s on QVC. I also want to point out her last big cry scene, where she says in a confessional that she just “wants Khloé — long pause — to find her dream.” By ‘dream’ she meant… a man??

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Coleman: She absolutely did, and it was tough! I was ready to cast an Emmy in gold myself, because I was momentarily moved until she said so. But I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt, maybe she meant her ‘dream life’, with or without a husband. But… not likely.

This was unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) a very Kourtney sparse episode. Not that I was trying to watch her and Travis spit bodily fluids all over each other in the name of boosting fertility, but it would have been nice to check in. But their Italian wedding is airing this season, so there’s plenty of antics to come after this hard-hitting opener.

Superlatives for siblings

Best Fake Normal Person Moment: This week’s award goes to Kris Jenner who pretends to take out her own trash. First, she tells Khloé that she threw him over the balcony and picked him up from the sidewalk, which I believe gave her at least 20 concussions from bystanders. Then she pretends to get it out the right way, but instead passes it on to a producer on her doorstep. A+ work!

Most Galaxy Brain Quote: This week was a toss-up between Kylie’s bad advice to Khloé and Kourtney’s only confessional. Kourt thinks about her sister’s baby and says, “We were raised with a lot of faith. And I think like knowing that… this is God’s plan? Babies are always taken into account in the Bible such an a blessing.” Like, yes! They’re in real life too. Thanks, Kourt!

Strangest Tailor Selection: We saw Khloé wear a cerulean ruffled mini dress and Malika showed up in a polo with holes all over, but nothing was more wet and wild than Kim’s diving suit confessional. A nice nod to Rose Byrne in Spy from our favorite cinephile.

Most anticipated moment in the season preview: It’s sad to say that it seems like the Pete Davidson of all this is being downplayed. So, with no evidence of that relationship, we’re looking forward to the catastrophic fallout from Kim’s “Get Your Fucking Ass Up and Work” Variety interview, which the cameras captured live from a shocking new angle.

Strongest sister of the week: Kim definitely came across as the most emotionally supportive and empathetic to Khloé’s situation, perhaps because she’s dealing with the dissolution of her own family. I found her tearful speech at Khloé’s baby shower a little awkward, but she came from a sweet spot!

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